Well, I could go into what has been going on since my last post and why I am extremely lazy when it comes to blogging but, Mallory leaves for Africa in like a day and I promised her a post so a post she shall have. So, let's just get right into something worthwhile (other than facts like I beat Guitar Hero 2 on expert like three days after release...).

After sitting here lifeless, staring at the cursor blink on and off for 52 minutes, I have absolutely nothing cognitive of my own to say. I felt like I might be able to relate this vacancy of thought to the current state of my life. I had wanted to illustrate my life as a perpetual state of sleep and somehow work in Ephesians 5: 14 about the sleeper waking from the dead via the light of Christ, but nothing came. Then I thought I could possibly give some personal insight into my feelings, as I have been rather lonely since my re-arrival in Duncanville. This would have segued nicely into talking about girls which, in turn, would have lead into the topic of hope in God. This topic probably would have ended with the sentence, "the sun will rise tomorrow." I also though I might fall back on my favorite beaten-horse topic of spiritual fighting because, let's face it, I am not the model of constant spirituality and am always dealing with some battle of faith - be it doubt, complacency, et cetera (see any one of the previous posts for inspiration on fighting the 'good fight'). This would have involved a citation of Romans 8: 37 saying, "we are more than conquerors through him who loved us" and would have conjured visions of Spartans and gladiators and other various warriors. I could go on and on with topic ideas that hold no merit or actual substance.

Instead, through this myriad of topics I was reminded of a passage that sums up everything I am and that I need to hear and believe at this point in my life.

"When I saw him, I fell at his feet though dead. But he placed his right hand on me, saying, 'Do not be afraid; I am the first and the last, and the living one. I was dead, and see, I am alive forever and ever.'"
-Revelation 1: 17-18.

For Mallory: You are amazing and doing something I'm not sure I could ultimately go through. The very fact that you, and many others, are going to help is hope in itself for those children and for countless others. Do not be afraid, He is with you.

Did you know that Dumbledore actually dies in book six?! I thought people were just joking.....I'm kidding, of course. But, I did finally finish the sixth Harry Potter book. I had postponed reading it 1) because I haven't had the time and 2) because I've wanted to wait for something new Harry Potter to happen (like the next movie or final book) so I don't have a huge boring gap of nothing. Well, I do not regret reading it now as it was quite good. Not as good as the fifth (my personal favorite), but still excellent nonetheless. Now all I have to do is wait for the final book and for Harry not to die *crosses fingers*. I do seriously wish I was a wizard. Learning spells, bewitching things to do my bidding, quidditch, the general 'having exceptional magical abilities' aspect of it all. I guess I'd still have to find a job though.
Speaking of jobs, I still don't have one. I know, you're shocked. I really do want a job, but my lack of useful experience has led me into a frustrating realization that I am qualified for absolutely nothing. And, having no experience at anything worthwhile, I am having to claw my way up just to even reach the bottom of the ladder. I'm not even sure what I want to do or can do. It's extremely difficult and kinda overwhelming when you have no definite direction in life (or, rather, infinite directions to choose from). Then, on top of that, there is always the fear of going in the wrong direction. And, when all these things (along with many other just as disheartening ideas in my life) come crashing together and keep me from sleeping at night, I just want to give up.

Thankfully, I am never allowed to give up. There is always a voice, whether a whisper or an enormous roar, that continually comforts me. Upon searching my all-knowing Oswald Chamber book, I found some verses and passages that I was meant to see in the midst of what I am in right now.

"When we realize how feeble we are in facing difficulties, the difficulties become like giants, we become like grasshoppers, and God seems to be nonexistent. But remember God's assurance to us - 'Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you' (Hebrews 13:5)."

I don't know how to say it better. What is said in that passage is life. We come to things that seem to overpower every aspect of our lives. The demons fill our heads and our hearts, making us to believe that we will never see the other side of our own conflict. They make us doubt ourselves, create false ideas for ourselves, and never let us see our true lives. But, God has control over everything. It's as simple as that. For me, I know my demons all too well: self-doubt, worry, jealousy, among many others. And I know, to rid myself of these things, I have to believe that God is truly in control. Therein lies the difficulty of faith. We just have to know. We have to believe with everything that we are that God is in control and knows what lies far and beyond the reach of what our own eyes can see. Believing is exponentially simple in concept, but I'm finding that it is, at times, rarely easy to fully achieve. I cannot see it now but, through all this difficulty, I somehow just know that I will look back on everything that is happening now, whether within or out of my control, whether things I want desperately or things I wish would not be, whether suspicions of what may be occurring or the reality of what has happened, or whether I was seated in happiness or struggling to feel anything at all, I will know that God was there, and it will be as easy as breathing to say, "My heavenly Father knew of this." And that will make learning how to live tomorrow all over again that much easier.

"Jesus said there are times when God cannot lift the darkness from you, but you should trust Him. At times God will appear like an unkind friend, but He is not; He will appear like an unnatural father, but He is not; He will appear like an unjust judge, but He is not. Keep the thought that the mind of God is behind all things strong and growing. Not even the smallest details of life happen unless God's will is behind it."

Mischief managed.

.....and, I'm back, again. I do apologize for the gap between posts - vacation kinda got in the way. It's hard to type when your flying down a roller coaster or in a dark ride. Vegas was fun. I didn't win anything, but I didn't really go to win. It was really just a side tour before the main attraction. And let me tell you, Disneyland was amazing. I think it is one of my favorite places. Ever. There's just something about it that makes you happier, not matter what might be going on. God even hit me with some stuff while relaxing in the ginormous lounge area of our hotel, but, I'll post more on that next time. After not having been in like 8 years, it felt good to see all the shows, ride my favorite rides, enjoy the new things, eat churros, and see Alice. I miss it already and would go back in a heartbeat. Then, like a week after I got home, I got to go to Sea World and lake party. This month has seriously owned all other months thus far in 2006. This past week was not only fun, but I learned alot about various sexual positions and tilting, turning, lashing, and smiling. Girls have so much life knowledge, it's amazing. And, if you thought learning or hanging out with my favorite people ever was fun, wait until I tell you about Guitar Hero. Holy crap. I can't even think of words to describe the fun of Guitar Hero. Let's just say, if I had a job, I would tempted to quit an start a Guitar Hero band. ...ok, maybe not. But, it is awesome.
This weekend, though amazingly fun, made me somewhat sad. It was kind of a reminder of how things are changing for me. And I know change is ultmately good and I know I have to move on, but my heart is still in that place and with those people. I still have such a connection to everything in College Station. It's my only connection really. And it's hard sometimes to be hit with that reality of I'm really not going to be there in the same way ever again. I totally don't want to sound selfish or self-righteous or seem like I'm fishing for sympathy/compliments but I hope that at least one person genuinely misses me. I know everyone can say, "I miss you," but to have left enough of an impression/impact on people for someone to truly feel missed when they're gone would be amazing. I guess that's what alot of people strive for - that meaning to others. Now, I don't mean this all-encompassing everyone love me, look at me, bow down before me prideful attitude. But just to know that you really meant something to someone during that time. Maybe when things actually start next semester and people know when someone isn't sitting in their front pew spot, or playing guitar for worship, or watching Lost on the couch I will feel missed. And I know that it is not my purpose in life to make people miss me, but I think it would feel nice if someone really does.

I'm sorry for this whiny post...things always sound better in my head.
I promise something with more substance or depth next time.

Ah, Disneyland. It's such a fun and magical place, and I will be there in like 5 days! And on top of that, my family and I are stopping in Las Vegas for two days on the way. Nothing like a family vacation. It seems though, that this could very well be our final one though. I must admit, it will feel nice to get out of my house for awhile, seeing as how all I've done the past week is sit around, watch Friends, and yell at the Mavericks. It's actually more fun than it sounds, but it does get tediously boring at times. So, a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth should do me some good.

So, in an effort to shorten this post (compared to the last one) I'm gonna get right to what's on my mind. As I hinted at last week, I deal with my confidence (or lack thereof) quite a bit. So, I got to wondering: what is it that finally pushes us over the thresholds in life? When there is something you want or desperately want to do, and it consumes every fiber of your being, what gives you the strength and willpower to take a step and a chance? Is it God? Or is it just sheer will and self-motivation?

Well, a few nights ago, I had a lot on my mind, as I usually do, and I ended up just sitting at my desk staring down on the lyrics to All I Need by Shawn McDonald. I just sat, thinking about alot of the stuff I mentioned last time and talking softly to God about said stuff - something I honestly haven't done in awhile. And, as I sat, I ran countless life scenarios through my head. It's something I do more often than not. It's actually this constant daytime drama type monologue of 'will i,' 'won't i,' and 'what if' running through my subconscience. This drew on for a little over an hour, and I kept having these swells of emotion as my insides went through stages of absurd nervousness to overwhelming joy. As these scenarios take over my mind and begin to delve deeper into more serious matters, I begin to worry about and doubt everything I am. They start to attack confidence, swipe reason, and persuade endlessly. The more I think and believe these scenarios, the more helpless I feel.

Eventually, I turned to the days reading in my Oswald Chambers book to find an entry regarding trust. It went on to say, "Never trust anything in yourself or in anyone else, except the grace of God." So after having my "life" flash before my mind, I read this and am somewhat blown away. It was one of those moments when the clouds part, light shines down upon what you're reading, and then a chorus of angels chimes in with the finale to Handel's Hallelujah chorus (the big Hallelujah!, Hallelujah!! part). Seriously. God is amazing. So, I ask again, how is it that we get over the threshold? Through faith and trust in God alone.

Now, as to what happens when we step out and take a chance - well, we'll see if I have what it takes when I get back from the Magic Kingdom. Smiles.

"God is our refuge and strength,
a very well proved help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear."
Psalm 46: 1-2.

Well, I'm back. My old LiveJournal wasn't cutting it, and I'm usually jealous of whatever Marcus writes on his blog, so I figured I needed a new place to get my thoughts out. A new place for general ramblings, subliminal messages, and the occasional words of substance. And, to my maybe one, two if I'm lucky, readers, I (promise) to keep this updated somewhat often...we'll see how that goes.

Now, onto life. Life is generally good. I'm not big on living at home since I've only got one good friend within 10 miles, and my parents still think I'm in middle school sometimes, but I'm getting by. I should be looking for a job to apply my newly-graduated self, but I really don't even want to look let alone actually work. Be it fear of growing up/moving on, failing at a first work attempt, or sheer laziness, I just am not that excited about working. It'll come some day...hopefully. On other fronts, emotions/thoughts/general inner turmoils are running high again. Just stuff...about stuff (trust me, it's supposed to be vague). I might (in my "clever" subliminal way) deal with that in a later post... The Disneyland vacation is fast approaching, as is Sea World/Lake Party weekend. It just goes to show you that good things are usually on the horizon. However, it's all that stuff in front that make the horizon fade away fast. To use a metaphor, the dilemmas in life are like a giant barge full of trash floating slowly by, blocking the b-e-a-utiful rays of a setting sun. In reality, the barge is usually a part of my mind that continually tries to bring me down and constantly has me at war with my emotions. It can be an attack on my confidence, not allowing me to take a chance for once in my life. It can be a swipe at reason, in an attempt to convince me otherwise of the better things in my life. Or it can be persuasion, swaying me from the way I feel about certain people and things in my life now.

Which brings me to something I caught while flipping through My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It was a devotional on confidence: not in oneself, but in God alone. It opened with, "When we are afraid, the least we can do is pray to God." Then, later, it went on to say:

There are times when there is no storm or crisis in our lives, and we do all that is humanly possible. But it is when a crisis arises that we instantly reveal upon whom we rely. If we have been learning to worship God and to place our trust in Him, the crisis will reveal that we can go to the point of breaking, yet without breaking our confidence in Him.

I know I have struggled with alot of things and dealt with varied crises. And, everytime I try to figure things out on my own, I fall flat on my face. When I tried to deal with stress on my own, I only got more stressed. When I tried to go after the girl without first consulting God, I didn't get what I wanted, which is usually the theme in every instance. The abscence of God almost always ends up in the disappointment of want. But if we have confidence in God and everything that He has planned, we have nothing to want. That's not to say we won't want the newest cellphone that is embedded in your pinky and thumb fingers so you can just talk to you hand, or the new iPod preloaded with every song, ever. That's not even to say we still won't want things like a good job or a significant other. God will bring you what you need and you won't want anything else. He will pull you through all those things and, if you have had confidence in Him, you will see how amazing those things are. We will remember how God pulled us through those stressed times. We will see how well God has blessed us financially. And we might even have an amazing, Godly love with someone and praise Him for the people He has brought into our lives.

The point, for me, is that I have to have confidence in God in order to have any worthwhile confidence in myself. I have to ask God to be with and guide me through everything, from looking for a job to, let's say, taking a chance on my emotions because I do still want that amazing job and that certain girl. But if I don't believe that God is going to be there for me no matter what, the wants in my life might as well be sand in a desert: dead and going nowhere. So what is the result in total confidence in God? Once again, Chambers says:

It will be expressed in our lives as a peaceful resting in God, which means a total oneness with Him. And this oneness will make us not only blameless in His sight, but also a profound joy to Him.

I don't know about you, but that sounds like a good thing. And, although I cannot say that I am altogether, at this moment, blameless in His sight or fully strong in my faith, I am getting there once again.
This isn't really what I wanted to say, but I think it's a good start.