.....and, I'm back, again. I do apologize for the gap between posts - vacation kinda got in the way. It's hard to type when your flying down a roller coaster or in a dark ride. Vegas was fun. I didn't win anything, but I didn't really go to win. It was really just a side tour before the main attraction. And let me tell you, Disneyland was amazing. I think it is one of my favorite places. Ever. There's just something about it that makes you happier, not matter what might be going on. God even hit me with some stuff while relaxing in the ginormous lounge area of our hotel, but, I'll post more on that next time. After not having been in like 8 years, it felt good to see all the shows, ride my favorite rides, enjoy the new things, eat churros, and see Alice. I miss it already and would go back in a heartbeat. Then, like a week after I got home, I got to go to Sea World and lake party. This month has seriously owned all other months thus far in 2006. This past week was not only fun, but I learned alot about various sexual positions and tilting, turning, lashing, and smiling. Girls have so much life knowledge, it's amazing. And, if you thought learning or hanging out with my favorite people ever was fun, wait until I tell you about Guitar Hero. Holy crap. I can't even think of words to describe the fun of Guitar Hero. Let's just say, if I had a job, I would tempted to quit an start a Guitar Hero band. ...ok, maybe not. But, it is awesome.
This weekend, though amazingly fun, made me somewhat sad. It was kind of a reminder of how things are changing for me. And I know change is ultmately good and I know I have to move on, but my heart is still in that place and with those people. I still have such a connection to everything in College Station. It's my only connection really. And it's hard sometimes to be hit with that reality of I'm really not going to be there in the same way ever again. I totally don't want to sound selfish or self-righteous or seem like I'm fishing for sympathy/compliments but I hope that at least one person genuinely misses me. I know everyone can say, "I miss you," but to have left enough of an impression/impact on people for someone to truly feel missed when they're gone would be amazing. I guess that's what alot of people strive for - that meaning to others. Now, I don't mean this all-encompassing everyone love me, look at me, bow down before me prideful attitude. But just to know that you really meant something to someone during that time. Maybe when things actually start next semester and people know when someone isn't sitting in their front pew spot, or playing guitar for worship, or watching Lost on the couch I will feel missed. And I know that it is not my purpose in life to make people miss me, but I think it would feel nice if someone really does.

I'm sorry for this whiny post...things always sound better in my head.
I promise something with more substance or depth next time.

Ah, Disneyland. It's such a fun and magical place, and I will be there in like 5 days! And on top of that, my family and I are stopping in Las Vegas for two days on the way. Nothing like a family vacation. It seems though, that this could very well be our final one though. I must admit, it will feel nice to get out of my house for awhile, seeing as how all I've done the past week is sit around, watch Friends, and yell at the Mavericks. It's actually more fun than it sounds, but it does get tediously boring at times. So, a trip to the Happiest Place on Earth should do me some good.

So, in an effort to shorten this post (compared to the last one) I'm gonna get right to what's on my mind. As I hinted at last week, I deal with my confidence (or lack thereof) quite a bit. So, I got to wondering: what is it that finally pushes us over the thresholds in life? When there is something you want or desperately want to do, and it consumes every fiber of your being, what gives you the strength and willpower to take a step and a chance? Is it God? Or is it just sheer will and self-motivation?

Well, a few nights ago, I had a lot on my mind, as I usually do, and I ended up just sitting at my desk staring down on the lyrics to All I Need by Shawn McDonald. I just sat, thinking about alot of the stuff I mentioned last time and talking softly to God about said stuff - something I honestly haven't done in awhile. And, as I sat, I ran countless life scenarios through my head. It's something I do more often than not. It's actually this constant daytime drama type monologue of 'will i,' 'won't i,' and 'what if' running through my subconscience. This drew on for a little over an hour, and I kept having these swells of emotion as my insides went through stages of absurd nervousness to overwhelming joy. As these scenarios take over my mind and begin to delve deeper into more serious matters, I begin to worry about and doubt everything I am. They start to attack confidence, swipe reason, and persuade endlessly. The more I think and believe these scenarios, the more helpless I feel.

Eventually, I turned to the days reading in my Oswald Chambers book to find an entry regarding trust. It went on to say, "Never trust anything in yourself or in anyone else, except the grace of God." So after having my "life" flash before my mind, I read this and am somewhat blown away. It was one of those moments when the clouds part, light shines down upon what you're reading, and then a chorus of angels chimes in with the finale to Handel's Hallelujah chorus (the big Hallelujah!, Hallelujah!! part). Seriously. God is amazing. So, I ask again, how is it that we get over the threshold? Through faith and trust in God alone.

Now, as to what happens when we step out and take a chance - well, we'll see if I have what it takes when I get back from the Magic Kingdom. Smiles.

"God is our refuge and strength,
a very well proved help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear."
Psalm 46: 1-2.