For Kellie

I first met Kellie on a Spiritual Life Retreat with Wesley, where she performed at the talent show. Not many of us knew her very well at the time, but when she started singing, all of our mouths dropped to the floor. In that one song, I felt that I instantly knew who she was and the heart inside. From there, we spent countless hours and many sleepless nights playing guitar and recording. Listening to some of her songs as I write this reminds me of how powerful she had already become as a songwriter and that it was never about the actual music. Instead, it was merely a medium in which to glorify God and what He was doing in her life. There were also iHop trips, getting lost in Houston, studying insomnia, etc. Needless to say, being around Kellie was an amazing experience. And, though we grew apart after I graduated and left town, anytime I would see her, it was an instant reconnection that seemed even stronger than before. When I'm away from friends for a period of time, we are always excited to see one another upon reuniting. But with Kellie, it was magnified and multiplied. I will never figure out how her body contained her heart.

Move ahead to this week. When I first heard the news of what happened, the main reaction I had was that of frustration and anger. For some reason, I felt angry with her that this happened. Then I began to feel frustrated with myself. Frustrated that I had let so much time pass without seeing or contacting her, now thinking there was something I could have done if I had been closer more often. Frustrated that I couldn't (and still can't) answer the question of why. Looking in from the outside, it's so easy to see the decisions we think she should have made and the path we feel she should have taken. However, I've come to realize that it is anything but simple. And, after hearing things at the service on Wednesday that felt like God speaking directly to my heart, I felt so calm - both for myself and for her. When I look back now, after the sadness had passed, I can't believe I felt anything else for her other than a sense of calm. I said before that what she went through was not simple. The pain she dealt with was not simple. Any thoughts surrounding her decisions are not simple. What is simple, however, is her heart and its desire for God. Kellie was consumed by belief in and love for the Father. Thus, the simple truth granted to her, and to us, by Christ himself, is the gift of eternal life. And it is a gift that cannot be taken away.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8: 38 - 9

The love of God is eternal. The belief in God is eternal. There is absolutely nothing, not even a decision made at the end of our lives, that can change that simple fact. Thumbing through my bible the past few days has done nothing but remind me of the infinite nature of salvation. It is something we do not deserve, but by believing in Him we are given anyway. We cannot lose it or give it back to God. It is unending and unchanging, enduring forever. Salvation is a reminder that Christ went before us to absorb the entirety of our sins so that we will never die. No matter how long we live it, this life is only temporary - we have not yet begun to truly live. To know something like that is the very definition of calm. And surely, without doubt, Kellie is now calm.

There is a song of Kellie's called 'Give Me Your Pain' - the first one I heard - that became my very favorite. I loved getting to play it with her. But, more than that, I love watching her play it. She would pour her heart into it every single time. It seemed to hold amazing meaning for her, and when you listen to the words, it defines her. Starting out, the narrator is broken, longing for God to hold her. Then, along the course of the song, she pleads for Jesus to hear her broken cry and train her in the fight, so she might wage on in the war and find her true life. Finally, clinging to the cross, she proclaims that the kingdom of God has come, His will be done, and that she is a child of the Father. And, to close this out, I will share the final lyric with you:

"I've been trained in the fight,

And I've won; it's done.

Victory is ours

So wage on, my children.

Wage on."

Kellie - be still now. You have fought, and truly, you have your eternal victory. You are with Him.

The Coming Change: A Symphony in the Key of Self-Reflection

A disclaimer: there's absolutely nothing new or interesting in this post. If you've ever read a single post by me, ever, this is probably a reiteration of everything I've discussed at one point or another. Also, this whole concept may be a little cheesy, but when it came to me I got excited. However, when I got started, it was quite difficult to piece together my meandering thoughts. I can't say I'm entirely pleased with the result, but it's a post nonetheless. Maybe next time something better will flow forth from my mind. But, for now, enjoy - or feel free to skip this one at your leisure.
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There come times, whether often or scarce, that we all stop and look at ourselves. At the moment, I am at that time. Throughout this post, it may seem like I'm tearing myself down or being overly critical, but it's merely self-analyzation, and not much more. I'm just looking at myself and trying to be honest. And, if I were to be honest with myself, at this very moment in the general aspect of life, I am lost.

Mvmt I: The Road
This is the journey. Music starts off soft and stays that way; the notes don’t change and the sound remains stagnant. This is my future.

No closer to a job, no closer to a career, no closer to some image of a life. Now, I'm definitely not saying that I want work to be my life, but I can't have much of a life without some type of career. But, as of right now, a year and a half after graduating from college, I am doing absolutely nothing with my life. More than that, I'm barely trying to do anything. Sure, I'm studying for an actuary exam. But, in all honesty, I am setting myself up with a lot of false hope of ever passing that exam. I just simply can't do any of the later, more difficult work. It's not a positive reinforcement issue - I literally can't do the work. This only leads to doubt piled upon my lack of self esteem, and there are days when I just want to give up and do nothing with my life and be nothing. No aspirations, no dreams, no anything. But, that is not who I want to be. I still want a future, even if I'm not yet on the road to get there. Still, like I said before, I'm hardly trying to get to that road. It's almost as if I'm keeping myself in this situation in which I don't ultimately want to be. At the moment, either because of myself, fear of the future or change, or some other factor, I can't seem to take another step to anywhere.

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Mvmt II: The Odd Wheel & The Pam Effect
This is the love. Music swells and fades, but is constantly moving; the notes are all different, and the sound comes and goes. This is my emotion.

What do I know about relationships? Nothing. In 23 years, I have not been in one actual serious relationship (not counting before 9th grade, because let's face it, they don't count and one in college in which we had an unspoken mutual “not really talk to each other except on AIM” policy). And that fact, even though it shouldn't have a huge effect, makes me quite sad when I think about it. More often than not, I'm usually the odd wheel of a group. Do you know how much fun it is to be the 5th wheel? It's not the best feeling. I will admit that somewhere deep, deep down, I am really happy for the people who have someone right now or are getting engaged or married. But, at the risk of sounding selfish, I'm not doing those things - I have none of that, and I'm nowhere close. Anytime I do get close, it ends up being one-sided and I'm left being, "just a friend." And, even though the way you'll read that sounds very demeaning, I love having those close friends, but I end up wanting more from certain people. And, though it's totally cliche to relate to a TV show, Jim's dialogue at the end of the season finale of The Office, Season 2 could have been written from my life. Now, being out of college and having little to no social skill or self-esteem in dealing with the opposite sex, I don't picture any spark igniting anytime soon. On top of that is a choosy nature that borders on insanity and extreme superficiality (think Chandler in the Friends episode where he can only focus on a woman's flaws). I consciously know that I have passed up several girls due to my nature. I play devil's advocate with myself constantly on this issue, and I have a very hard time trying to change it. When it comes to women, I'm superficial, needy, somewhat irrational, probably a little hypocritical, and have my own way of thinking about everything from beauty to personality to spirituality. I have this empty puzzle piece of an idea, and I'm trying to find a girl who fits. Call me delusional, but doesn't everyone deserve to find that fit? Maybe not, and I need to settle with someone and learn to love them. But is that real? You learn to love your annoying friends. You learn to love people who disagree with you. But I don't think pure, passionate love is learned. It just is - and I want it. But, there are so many conflicting ideas in what I just wrote and throughout my mind relating to women, I have a hard time finding what I really feel. I hate the way I am and the way I deal with all this stuff, but I don't know how to change something like this. Maybe someone will come along someday and shatter everything I've set up for the unbelievably better. Or, maybe I'll die alone...

(ok...I apologize for the over dramatic at the end there, but it just felt right. moving on...)

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Mvmt III: The Good Fight or How I Gave Up and Tried to Live On My Own
This is the beginning and the end. Music would be triumphant, but dissonant, desiring resolve; there would be one note, and the choir would sing like angels. However, the musicians quit early and are off doing their own business. This is my heart.

I really can't say much other than I struggle constantly with maintaining my spiritual life. Actually, can you maintain something you don't really have anymore? The truth is, my spiritual life has dissipated, a word meaning 'to cause to spread thin and gradually vanish.' A more perfect statement could not be said about what I have done to myself in regards to faith. Prayer, church-going, spiritual thought/reading - it's all been driven from my life. And not because I wanted it gone, but because I let it go. I know I haven't lost it completely for the simple truth that I want and need God in every conceivable aspect of my life and heart. But, even though I know that God is constantly with each and every person who believes or knows His truth, there is a distance between Him and me. A distance which grows every day I'm too stubborn to turn around and take steps back towards Him.

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Mvmt IV: The Revelation
This is the catalyst. Silence. This is change.

So, what is the point of all this? The point, the problem, the potential solution are all me. All of this stems from me. I am the cause of everything I am, everything I am doing and everything I think and feel. I play devil's advocate with most issues which turns me into a two-sided paradox of emotion and thought that continuously compounds frustration, confusion, and helplessness. I don't know whether my life needs a change or I need to change within my life or both. I'm generally happy with who I am and the way things are - let's face it, sitting around all day playing video games, browsing the internets, and watching TV is relaxing [for me]. And I can definitely assert that I am not depressed nor do I not hate life or think life sucks or have any other melancholy emo thought running through my mind. But when real stuff, e.g. the topics above, begin to trickle into my train of thought, all I do is realize that I am completely lost. And I know it's because of what I'm doing with life. Life is a gift, and I've yet to accept it or live it to any kind of potential. Now, not to boast myself as some great beacon of blogging light, but I feel my previous post came out amazing. When I go back and read it, I find myself saying, "why am I not doing this yet?" And, I cannot find the answer anywhere. But, even though I feel lost and without answers, I still find these words encouraging:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son wold be the firstborn, with many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And he gave them right standing with himself and he promised them his glory." -Romans 8: 28-30

So, above all, though I may not be altogether right with myself or the issues of my so-called life, it's nice to know that there is hope beneath it all.

My Heart

So, I suddenly got the urge to post...(courtesy of a very convincing threat from Shannon. And, as such, this shall be her official post on my sparse blog). I am seriously not cut out to contribute to the blogging community. I never have the urge to post unless I have something profound to say. And I'm not really the kind of person who can just blog my daily activities (mainly because they only consist of waking up, sitting around, and going to sleep). However, this is something I've wanted to post on for awhile.

But, to begin, this is my life at the present time. No, I still do not have a job. Earlier today, I did apply for a couple positions for which I'm probably not qualified. Oh well. I keep telling myself, "at least I'm trying." I have, however, found where in Dallas I want to live - The Village. It's this amazing community of 14 rather new apartment complexes. It has it's own country club and is in a great part of Dallas. If I had the money to move and then find a job, I'd be there tomorrow, furnishing an apartment with an endless amount of IKEA furniture. Oh well again. On a higher note, I am really glad it's summertime because that means I actually have fun people in the area with which to hang out rather than complain about how bored and lonely I am. The catch-22 is I don't know much else to do other than watch movies and DVDs and play Guitar Hero. Such is my life...


On to business. This is Paramore:


This is My Heart (arguably their best song, and my new personal favorite of all songs, ever):

They are amazing, that song is amazing, and I am ordering you to watch and listen. Go, now. I'll wait.....Amazing, right? Yes (and, on a side note, I would marry Haley faster than you can say cellar door). Well, I have been listening to that song, My Heart, over and over for like the last 40 minutes (on my new astounding in-ear headphones), and I have wanted to post something about it since I heard it. It is an amazingly simple song, but has such an truthful cry: 'This heart, it beats / beats for only you (this heart) / My heart is yours.' Everything about this song gives me chills, and every time I hear it, I come close to tears. Now, I consider myself a spiritual guy, so I take the meaning of this song spiritually (it also doesn't hurt that everyone in the band is a Christian, but the topic of 'Christian bands' is a different post altogether). Every word in this song has come out of my mouth in one way or another over the course of my life. I've been at the bottom and completely wrong about life. I've realized on far too many occasions that I cannot live my life alone - the times that I've tried have been nothing without God. And, each time I come to the edge of myself, I have to stop and listen and find that sound of who I once was.

But, as much as I've said "my heart is yours," and as much as I'd like to convince myself that I have, I do not believe that I have ever completely given up my heart. It awes me to great extent to think about how that would feel. I honestly do not know if amazing, or great, or any other similar adjective would do that feeling justice. I'm not even sure if that's how it would feel. But, when the thought of releasing my heart from my hands rolls across my mind, I somehow feel comforted. And not just spiritually. How great would it be to give your heart to everything in your life? To say my heart is yours to the things you do and to every person important to you? That's a huge thought for me. Maybe because I lack a lot of motivation lately when it comes to doing just about anything in my life. Or maybe because I have complete control over my heart and what it does and how it feels. It's been an entire year, and I think I've looked for a job for an amount of time no longer than an half a day. I complain to myself incessantly about my life - loneliness, girls, boredom, etc - but never do anything about it. And the sad thing is that I remember what it was like putting my heart into things. I remember really enjoying my life and following my heart. But somehow I've lost touch with who I am (as cliche as that sounds), and I've slowly taken my heart back from the places it's been. I remember playing guitar for worship like there was no tomorrow. And I remember being at Breakaway, hands raised without question, singing louder than I ever thought possible. I even remember pouring my heart into schoolwork and actually trying and caring about that knowledge and my future. But, as the song says, I am nothing now and it's been so long since I've heard the sound. So, I guess now I start again. Start to have passion. Start to listen for His words and His song in my life. Start to find a place where I can truly say, "my heart is yours," because I never want to sing alone.

This heart, it beats, beats for only You.