My Heart

So, I suddenly got the urge to post...(courtesy of a very convincing threat from Shannon. And, as such, this shall be her official post on my sparse blog). I am seriously not cut out to contribute to the blogging community. I never have the urge to post unless I have something profound to say. And I'm not really the kind of person who can just blog my daily activities (mainly because they only consist of waking up, sitting around, and going to sleep). However, this is something I've wanted to post on for awhile.

But, to begin, this is my life at the present time. No, I still do not have a job. Earlier today, I did apply for a couple positions for which I'm probably not qualified. Oh well. I keep telling myself, "at least I'm trying." I have, however, found where in Dallas I want to live - The Village. It's this amazing community of 14 rather new apartment complexes. It has it's own country club and is in a great part of Dallas. If I had the money to move and then find a job, I'd be there tomorrow, furnishing an apartment with an endless amount of IKEA furniture. Oh well again. On a higher note, I am really glad it's summertime because that means I actually have fun people in the area with which to hang out rather than complain about how bored and lonely I am. The catch-22 is I don't know much else to do other than watch movies and DVDs and play Guitar Hero. Such is my life...


On to business. This is Paramore:


This is My Heart (arguably their best song, and my new personal favorite of all songs, ever):

They are amazing, that song is amazing, and I am ordering you to watch and listen. Go, now. I'll wait.....Amazing, right? Yes (and, on a side note, I would marry Haley faster than you can say cellar door). Well, I have been listening to that song, My Heart, over and over for like the last 40 minutes (on my new astounding in-ear headphones), and I have wanted to post something about it since I heard it. It is an amazingly simple song, but has such an truthful cry: 'This heart, it beats / beats for only you (this heart) / My heart is yours.' Everything about this song gives me chills, and every time I hear it, I come close to tears. Now, I consider myself a spiritual guy, so I take the meaning of this song spiritually (it also doesn't hurt that everyone in the band is a Christian, but the topic of 'Christian bands' is a different post altogether). Every word in this song has come out of my mouth in one way or another over the course of my life. I've been at the bottom and completely wrong about life. I've realized on far too many occasions that I cannot live my life alone - the times that I've tried have been nothing without God. And, each time I come to the edge of myself, I have to stop and listen and find that sound of who I once was.

But, as much as I've said "my heart is yours," and as much as I'd like to convince myself that I have, I do not believe that I have ever completely given up my heart. It awes me to great extent to think about how that would feel. I honestly do not know if amazing, or great, or any other similar adjective would do that feeling justice. I'm not even sure if that's how it would feel. But, when the thought of releasing my heart from my hands rolls across my mind, I somehow feel comforted. And not just spiritually. How great would it be to give your heart to everything in your life? To say my heart is yours to the things you do and to every person important to you? That's a huge thought for me. Maybe because I lack a lot of motivation lately when it comes to doing just about anything in my life. Or maybe because I have complete control over my heart and what it does and how it feels. It's been an entire year, and I think I've looked for a job for an amount of time no longer than an half a day. I complain to myself incessantly about my life - loneliness, girls, boredom, etc - but never do anything about it. And the sad thing is that I remember what it was like putting my heart into things. I remember really enjoying my life and following my heart. But somehow I've lost touch with who I am (as cliche as that sounds), and I've slowly taken my heart back from the places it's been. I remember playing guitar for worship like there was no tomorrow. And I remember being at Breakaway, hands raised without question, singing louder than I ever thought possible. I even remember pouring my heart into schoolwork and actually trying and caring about that knowledge and my future. But, as the song says, I am nothing now and it's been so long since I've heard the sound. So, I guess now I start again. Start to have passion. Start to listen for His words and His song in my life. Start to find a place where I can truly say, "my heart is yours," because I never want to sing alone.

This heart, it beats, beats for only You.