For Kellie

I first met Kellie on a Spiritual Life Retreat with Wesley, where she performed at the talent show. Not many of us knew her very well at the time, but when she started singing, all of our mouths dropped to the floor. In that one song, I felt that I instantly knew who she was and the heart inside. From there, we spent countless hours and many sleepless nights playing guitar and recording. Listening to some of her songs as I write this reminds me of how powerful she had already become as a songwriter and that it was never about the actual music. Instead, it was merely a medium in which to glorify God and what He was doing in her life. There were also iHop trips, getting lost in Houston, studying insomnia, etc. Needless to say, being around Kellie was an amazing experience. And, though we grew apart after I graduated and left town, anytime I would see her, it was an instant reconnection that seemed even stronger than before. When I'm away from friends for a period of time, we are always excited to see one another upon reuniting. But with Kellie, it was magnified and multiplied. I will never figure out how her body contained her heart.

Move ahead to this week. When I first heard the news of what happened, the main reaction I had was that of frustration and anger. For some reason, I felt angry with her that this happened. Then I began to feel frustrated with myself. Frustrated that I had let so much time pass without seeing or contacting her, now thinking there was something I could have done if I had been closer more often. Frustrated that I couldn't (and still can't) answer the question of why. Looking in from the outside, it's so easy to see the decisions we think she should have made and the path we feel she should have taken. However, I've come to realize that it is anything but simple. And, after hearing things at the service on Wednesday that felt like God speaking directly to my heart, I felt so calm - both for myself and for her. When I look back now, after the sadness had passed, I can't believe I felt anything else for her other than a sense of calm. I said before that what she went through was not simple. The pain she dealt with was not simple. Any thoughts surrounding her decisions are not simple. What is simple, however, is her heart and its desire for God. Kellie was consumed by belief in and love for the Father. Thus, the simple truth granted to her, and to us, by Christ himself, is the gift of eternal life. And it is a gift that cannot be taken away.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8: 38 - 9

The love of God is eternal. The belief in God is eternal. There is absolutely nothing, not even a decision made at the end of our lives, that can change that simple fact. Thumbing through my bible the past few days has done nothing but remind me of the infinite nature of salvation. It is something we do not deserve, but by believing in Him we are given anyway. We cannot lose it or give it back to God. It is unending and unchanging, enduring forever. Salvation is a reminder that Christ went before us to absorb the entirety of our sins so that we will never die. No matter how long we live it, this life is only temporary - we have not yet begun to truly live. To know something like that is the very definition of calm. And surely, without doubt, Kellie is now calm.

There is a song of Kellie's called 'Give Me Your Pain' - the first one I heard - that became my very favorite. I loved getting to play it with her. But, more than that, I love watching her play it. She would pour her heart into it every single time. It seemed to hold amazing meaning for her, and when you listen to the words, it defines her. Starting out, the narrator is broken, longing for God to hold her. Then, along the course of the song, she pleads for Jesus to hear her broken cry and train her in the fight, so she might wage on in the war and find her true life. Finally, clinging to the cross, she proclaims that the kingdom of God has come, His will be done, and that she is a child of the Father. And, to close this out, I will share the final lyric with you:

"I've been trained in the fight,

And I've won; it's done.

Victory is ours

So wage on, my children.

Wage on."

Kellie - be still now. You have fought, and truly, you have your eternal victory. You are with Him.