The Coming Change: A Symphony in the Key of Self-Reflection

A disclaimer: there's absolutely nothing new or interesting in this post. If you've ever read a single post by me, ever, this is probably a reiteration of everything I've discussed at one point or another. Also, this whole concept may be a little cheesy, but when it came to me I got excited. However, when I got started, it was quite difficult to piece together my meandering thoughts. I can't say I'm entirely pleased with the result, but it's a post nonetheless. Maybe next time something better will flow forth from my mind. But, for now, enjoy - or feel free to skip this one at your leisure.
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There come times, whether often or scarce, that we all stop and look at ourselves. At the moment, I am at that time. Throughout this post, it may seem like I'm tearing myself down or being overly critical, but it's merely self-analyzation, and not much more. I'm just looking at myself and trying to be honest. And, if I were to be honest with myself, at this very moment in the general aspect of life, I am lost.

Mvmt I: The Road
This is the journey. Music starts off soft and stays that way; the notes don’t change and the sound remains stagnant. This is my future.

No closer to a job, no closer to a career, no closer to some image of a life. Now, I'm definitely not saying that I want work to be my life, but I can't have much of a life without some type of career. But, as of right now, a year and a half after graduating from college, I am doing absolutely nothing with my life. More than that, I'm barely trying to do anything. Sure, I'm studying for an actuary exam. But, in all honesty, I am setting myself up with a lot of false hope of ever passing that exam. I just simply can't do any of the later, more difficult work. It's not a positive reinforcement issue - I literally can't do the work. This only leads to doubt piled upon my lack of self esteem, and there are days when I just want to give up and do nothing with my life and be nothing. No aspirations, no dreams, no anything. But, that is not who I want to be. I still want a future, even if I'm not yet on the road to get there. Still, like I said before, I'm hardly trying to get to that road. It's almost as if I'm keeping myself in this situation in which I don't ultimately want to be. At the moment, either because of myself, fear of the future or change, or some other factor, I can't seem to take another step to anywhere.

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Mvmt II: The Odd Wheel & The Pam Effect
This is the love. Music swells and fades, but is constantly moving; the notes are all different, and the sound comes and goes. This is my emotion.

What do I know about relationships? Nothing. In 23 years, I have not been in one actual serious relationship (not counting before 9th grade, because let's face it, they don't count and one in college in which we had an unspoken mutual “not really talk to each other except on AIM” policy). And that fact, even though it shouldn't have a huge effect, makes me quite sad when I think about it. More often than not, I'm usually the odd wheel of a group. Do you know how much fun it is to be the 5th wheel? It's not the best feeling. I will admit that somewhere deep, deep down, I am really happy for the people who have someone right now or are getting engaged or married. But, at the risk of sounding selfish, I'm not doing those things - I have none of that, and I'm nowhere close. Anytime I do get close, it ends up being one-sided and I'm left being, "just a friend." And, even though the way you'll read that sounds very demeaning, I love having those close friends, but I end up wanting more from certain people. And, though it's totally cliche to relate to a TV show, Jim's dialogue at the end of the season finale of The Office, Season 2 could have been written from my life. Now, being out of college and having little to no social skill or self-esteem in dealing with the opposite sex, I don't picture any spark igniting anytime soon. On top of that is a choosy nature that borders on insanity and extreme superficiality (think Chandler in the Friends episode where he can only focus on a woman's flaws). I consciously know that I have passed up several girls due to my nature. I play devil's advocate with myself constantly on this issue, and I have a very hard time trying to change it. When it comes to women, I'm superficial, needy, somewhat irrational, probably a little hypocritical, and have my own way of thinking about everything from beauty to personality to spirituality. I have this empty puzzle piece of an idea, and I'm trying to find a girl who fits. Call me delusional, but doesn't everyone deserve to find that fit? Maybe not, and I need to settle with someone and learn to love them. But is that real? You learn to love your annoying friends. You learn to love people who disagree with you. But I don't think pure, passionate love is learned. It just is - and I want it. But, there are so many conflicting ideas in what I just wrote and throughout my mind relating to women, I have a hard time finding what I really feel. I hate the way I am and the way I deal with all this stuff, but I don't know how to change something like this. Maybe someone will come along someday and shatter everything I've set up for the unbelievably better. Or, maybe I'll die alone...

(ok...I apologize for the over dramatic at the end there, but it just felt right. moving on...)

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Mvmt III: The Good Fight or How I Gave Up and Tried to Live On My Own
This is the beginning and the end. Music would be triumphant, but dissonant, desiring resolve; there would be one note, and the choir would sing like angels. However, the musicians quit early and are off doing their own business. This is my heart.

I really can't say much other than I struggle constantly with maintaining my spiritual life. Actually, can you maintain something you don't really have anymore? The truth is, my spiritual life has dissipated, a word meaning 'to cause to spread thin and gradually vanish.' A more perfect statement could not be said about what I have done to myself in regards to faith. Prayer, church-going, spiritual thought/reading - it's all been driven from my life. And not because I wanted it gone, but because I let it go. I know I haven't lost it completely for the simple truth that I want and need God in every conceivable aspect of my life and heart. But, even though I know that God is constantly with each and every person who believes or knows His truth, there is a distance between Him and me. A distance which grows every day I'm too stubborn to turn around and take steps back towards Him.

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Mvmt IV: The Revelation
This is the catalyst. Silence. This is change.

So, what is the point of all this? The point, the problem, the potential solution are all me. All of this stems from me. I am the cause of everything I am, everything I am doing and everything I think and feel. I play devil's advocate with most issues which turns me into a two-sided paradox of emotion and thought that continuously compounds frustration, confusion, and helplessness. I don't know whether my life needs a change or I need to change within my life or both. I'm generally happy with who I am and the way things are - let's face it, sitting around all day playing video games, browsing the internets, and watching TV is relaxing [for me]. And I can definitely assert that I am not depressed nor do I not hate life or think life sucks or have any other melancholy emo thought running through my mind. But when real stuff, e.g. the topics above, begin to trickle into my train of thought, all I do is realize that I am completely lost. And I know it's because of what I'm doing with life. Life is a gift, and I've yet to accept it or live it to any kind of potential. Now, not to boast myself as some great beacon of blogging light, but I feel my previous post came out amazing. When I go back and read it, I find myself saying, "why am I not doing this yet?" And, I cannot find the answer anywhere. But, even though I feel lost and without answers, I still find these words encouraging:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son wold be the firstborn, with many brothers and sisters. And having chosen them, he called them to come to him. And he gave them right standing with himself and he promised them his glory." -Romans 8: 28-30

So, above all, though I may not be altogether right with myself or the issues of my so-called life, it's nice to know that there is hope beneath it all.